There Are No Bad Kids: What Every Parent Should Know About Child Behavior

I’ve been in this field for nearly two decades, and I’ve never met a “bad” child. I’ve met children who were terrified. I’ve met children who were overwhelmed. I’ve met children who had never learned how to regulate their emotions because no one had ever regulated alongside them. But a bad child? Never.

Early in my master’s training (long before I pursued my doctorate) I worked in an inpatient psychiatric unit. Looking back, I realize there was so much I didn’t yet understand. I was young, eager to learn, and too inexperienced to question the systems around me.

There was one little boy, about seven years old, whose face I still remember. He fought with other children. He swore. He yelled. He hit staff. We were warned, “Don’t get too close. He’ll hit you.” Whenever he became dysregulated, his consequence was always the same: fifteen minutes alone in his room. Even then, a question quietly formed in my mind: Who is this time-out for? Him…or us? I didn’t feel confident enough to ask. He likely had unaddressed developmental needs and/or childhood trauma.

One day, I walked into his room and simply asked, “Do you want me to sit with you?” He threw a crayon at me. I looked at him and said, “That could have hurt me. But I don’t think you’re trying to hurt me. I think you’re hurting.”

Then I picked up the crayon and asked, “How about we color together?” For the next fifteen minutes, we sat quietly, coloring on the same piece of paper. There was no lecture, no power struggle, and no shame. There were simply two nervous systems sharing space until one of them could borrow calm from the other.

That little boy taught me one of the most important lessons of my career before I ever became a psychologist.

Children don’t learn emotional regulation through punishment. They learn it through relationship.

When a child is flooded with emotion, the brain regions responsible for impulse control, flexible thinking, and problem-solving aren’t operating at full capacity. Consequences alone cannot teach a brain skills it doesn’t yet have.

Does that mean children don’t need boundaries? Of course they do.

Children need adults who will keep them safe, hold firm limits, and teach accountability. But accountability begins after regulation, not before it. Children don’t need bigger punishments. They need adults willing to help them build bigger capacities.

Over the years, I’ve learned that every behavior is communication. Our job isn’t simply to ask, “How do I stop this behavior?” Our job is to ask, “What is this child trying to tell me that they don’t yet have the skills or words to say?”

That question has changed every child I’ve ever worked with. And it changed me, too.

This is why pediatric therapy at Family and Child Roots & Wings is never just about changing a child’s behavior. It’s about teaching parents the how through modeling.

There are countless parenting books that tell us what to do. Validate. Co-regulate. Stay calm. Repair. Set boundaries. But if you never experienced those things yourself as a child, how are you supposed to know what they actually feel like?

It’s incredibly difficult to give away something your own nervous system has never received.

Our work isn’t about judging parents. It’s about walking alongside them in much the same way I sat beside that little boy years ago. We help parents experience co-regulation themselves. We help them discover what genuine regard, emotional safety, and connection feel like… because many of them never had the opportunity to receive those experiences themselves.

When your own nervous system begins to feel safe, you become more able to offer that same safety to your child.

Children learn emotional regulation from adults. Adults often have to learn emotional regulation, too.

A mentor recently asked me what my North Star is. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that question, and I’ve finally landed on an answer.

• I believe every child deserves adults who see beyond behavior and recognize the divine human being underneath. Every child deserves parents, teachers, and therapists who ask, “What happened?” before they ask, “What’s wrong with you?” Every child deserves the chance to be deeply known, deeply respected, and deeply loved. And every parent deserves the space, support, and guidance to become the parent they long to be…to experience the profound privilege of raising a child with presence, connection, and joy. If I spend the rest of my life helping adults become those people for children, I’ll know I’ve lived a life of purpose.

Because my North Star is simple: There are no bad kids. There are only children waiting for someone to understand them. And every child deserves that someone.

To learn more about therapy services, contact Family and Child Roots & Wings at 847-786-8222 or email drnirmeen@familyandchildrootsandwings.com